While there are countless books and blogs focusing on the first 18 years of parenting, far less is taught about how to navigate the final and longest stage for parents: parenting adult children. How telling that the English language does not even have a unique word for adult children. While the word children denotes people of young age, when used alongside the word adult the phrase becomes an oxymoron! No wonder parents and adult sons and daughters often struggle to establish a thriving relationship.
During this phase of parenting adults, it seems that all the rules change. No longer can a mother take privileges away from an adult daughter who is making what she perceives to be harmful or risky decisions. Gone are the days when a father can take the car keys away from a son who speaks to him disrespectfully. Those who learn to parent adult children effectively come to realize that this stage requires a major transition in the style and focus of parenting. But where does a parent go to learn about this important transition?
For financially successful families, in particular, navigating the parent/adult child relationship can be even more complex. All too often, parents fall into the role of “family bank”, writing checks whenever expenses exceed income. When this happens—especially when this happens without strategy or honest communication—the relationship can become confused or strained.
For those working in multigenerational family business together, work roles often confuse relationships outside the office. When this occurs, it can create even more confusion about how to navigate parent/adult child relationships.
Regional distance can also exacerbate disconnection. It is not uncommon for adult sons and daughters to contribute unintentionally to the relational distance by allowing the busyness of raising their own children to get in the way of making time for important phone conversations with parents across the miles. To make matters worse, parents can get stuck in patterns of criticism or offering unsolicited advice that can push their kids away, further increasing the distance between them.
When we intentionally create space for meaningful connection, relationships thrive and a legacy of healthy family conversation becomes a foundation for future generations. The TIG Talk is a way for families to foster this connection. Forward the exercise on the following page to a family member and invite them to have a TIG Talk.
TIG Talk Script
One thing parents and their adult sons and daughters desire meaningful connection from one another, but it is surprisingly difficult to know the right approach. While some are natural conversationalists, others can benefit from a script—a formula for focused, weekly conversation about the things that matter most. Aiming for once a week means it will probably happen every couple weeks, but any less frequent and it’s hard to find a rhythm.
Mothers and sons, fathers and daughters everywhere can create meaningful connection by finding time to have a “TIG Talk,” talking turns to share the following:
T – Tribe Update
What’s new with your tribe? Your tribe includes your circle of friends, children, spouse, or pets. Share news about your best friend who got a big promotion, your aunt who finally agreed to move into assisted living, or your second grader who won the spelling bee. Your family members love hearing you share about those most important to you, so this sharing deepen bonds between you.
I – Updates About I, Myself
What’s new with me? Now share any updates from your own life. Talk about your job, your new fitness routine, the delicious dinner you made, or your roof leak. This section requires a more honesty than the tribe section because it’s easier to talk about what is going on with others than with yourself.
G – Something I’ve Been Grappling With
What’s been keeping you up at night? This last section is both the most challenging and the most important. It is where you will need to get real and share something that has been challenging you in life. A son might tell his mother about his fears of sending his daughter off to college in the fall or his struggles finding work/life balance. A widowed father might share with this daughter the trouble he is having getting household tasks accomplished since his wife’s passing. It will be very tempting for the listener to respond with advice, in an attempt to help or fix the issue for their loved one. It is truly a gift, when a family member shares something so personal, for the listener to offer a sacred space of empathetic listening without judgement in response. This level of honesty requires courage on the part of the speaker and excellent listening skills on the other side, but the connection is worth the vulnerability that this part of the conversation will bring. Note the suggested listener replies below to avoid falling into communication patterns that will detract from the purpose of this conversation.
Examples of Effective Listener Replies:
Examples of Ineffective Listener Replies
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